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Often when we put others before ourselves, hide our true selves or are not able to trust our own selves, discount our feelings thinking they don’t matter, are not as important or to fit in or please others; for example, saying yes when we want to say no, or agreeing along with things we disagree with. This is self-abandonment.
What is Self-Abandonment?
Self-abandonment is the act of neglecting personal needs, values, desires, feelings in favor of others’ expectations or validation. This often leads to stress, a diminished sense of self, and a conflictual mental state or struggle.
Self-abandonment can manifest in various ways, the most common and widely known example of self-abandonment being people-pleasing. This issue can manifest in daily life and affects mental health. This is often displayed as a response to childhood trauma, exposure to a dysfunctional family environment, and learned from family patterns of behavior.
Self-Abandonment Examples:
- People-pleasing or seeking validation from others while suppressing your needs
- Overcommitting to obligations or not being able to say no
- Letting others make decisions for you
- Perfectionism or having unrealistically high standards for yourself
- Not trusting your instincts or decisions
- Being overly self-critical and judging yourself harshly
- Codependency in relationships or focusing on others’ needs while neglecting yours
- Failure to speak for yourself
- Not setting boundaries or enforcing them
- Letting others take advantage of you
Impact on Mental Health
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), self-abandonment can lead to mental health issues or concerns such as stress, resentment, anxiety and depression. Self-abandonment issues can not lead to the development of serious mental health concerns but at a fundamental level, there is a loss and disconnection with the sense of self that an individual experiences. This can lead to low self-worth and esteem. There may also be an increase in feelings of shame, guilt and unworthiness that adversely affects the sense of self.
Self-abandonment in relationships fosters codependency, tying your self-worth to another person, often furthering emotional strain and leading to relationship issues as well. Emotional instability and distress can usually lead to self-abandonment and codependency which can create a toxic relationship.
Common Causes of Self-Abandonment
Self-abandonment typically stems from childhood experiences where a child’s personal needs weren’t met or were dismissed, which can produce self-neglect.
Self-abandonment is also referred to as a learned behavior, which can come from a conficting family environment or dysfunctional familial relations.
It can also stem from societal pressures wherein in certain societies, sacrificing self for others, living for others can be glorified, and faced more often by women.
Past trauma can lead to avoidant behavior, or overcompensation in relationships leading to self-abandoning pattern of behavior.
Identifying Patterns of Self-Abandonment
The first step towards healing from self-abandonment is identifying any patterns of such behavior we may be displaying. This can be achieved through giving yourself time to self-reflect on your behavioral patterns. Take out some time to reflect on your behavior with peers, authority figures, partners, friends, family members. The examples of self-abandonment given above can be your guide to understand if you are displaying similar behavior.
Further, you can ask yourself questions such as “Do I suppress my feelings and opinions to avoid conflict?”, “Do I say yes when I mean to say no?”, “Do I let people walk over me?”, “Am I afraid to set boundaries?”.
Strategies for Self-Reconnection
Reconnecting with yourself, strengthening your sense of self and healing from self-abandonment starts with setting an intent to heal. Below are self-abandonment healing strategies:
- Set boundaries: Learn to say no without feeling guilt, and remember you have to put yourself first and your well-being should be your primary priority for which setting boundaries is most important.
- Reconnect with your needs and feelings: Take time to reflect on your emotions and desires, and identify things that bring you joy or discomfort.
- Practice self-care: Engage in activities that are of interest to you and nurture your soul as well as well-being.
- Enhance self-worth: Replace negative thoughts and counter them with positive thoughts or affirmations, giving yourself a reminder that your needs are valid and important.
- Mindfulness: Practice body-centering, breathing and mindfulness exercises to calm the nervous system and improve your mind-body connection.
- Seek support: Consider therapeutic professional support or support groups where you can heal from unresolved issues that may be leading to self-abandonment.
Path to Healing
It is important to understand that all healing processes take time and consistency, hence, the best way to initiate self-abandonment healing is by setting small, achievable goals that prioritize your needs, such as doing one activity you enjoy per day. Celebrating your progress is a big part towards healing from self-abandonment which will lead to a healthier version of yourself and help with building positive habits.
To conclude, prioritizing yourself, needs and feelings is not selfish. If self-abandonment is referred to as a learned behavior, it can also be unlearned, with the appropriate care and support. By setting boundaries, affirming your self-worth and learning to reconnect with yourself, if you or someone you know has been displaying self-abandonment, you can overcome this and begin to thrive. If you require professional support for the same, search for mental health professionals near me, who can guide you in your healing journey and help you become a stronger and healthier version of yourself. We at North America Behavioral Health Services are here to empower you on this journey. Just reach out to us and get the support you need.
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